Rethinking Praise: Practical Strategies for Toileting Support

Practical Toolkit for Families and Professionals

This handout can be used as a communication tool to share with all caregivers involved in your young person’s care, helping everyone provide consistent support when rethinking how praise is used during toileting. Consistent messages across all environments can make the learning process smoother and more effective. Link to downloadable PDF is below

Introduction

Praise might seem like a small detail, but it’s one of the most frequent ways we communicate with young people, especially during toileting. How we use praise can shape their confidence, sense of autonomy and even their emotional response to toileting. Therefore, it’s worth rethinking the words we choose and the messages they send.

Learning More About Praise

Research suggests that the impact of praise on intrinsic motivation is more complex than a simple ‘praise is good’ or ‘praise is bad.’ Researchers like Henderlong and Lepper (2002) emphasise that praise can enhance, undermine, or have little effect on motivation depending on how it’s delivered and interpreted. Praise is most likely to support motivation when it feels sincere, encourages young people to connect their success to their own effort and strategies, promotes autonomy, builds competence without unhealthy comparisons to others and conveys clear, achievable expectations.

In short, praise is not inherently harmful—but how, when, and why we use it matters. With toileting, where the goal is to help young people build confidence and a sense of ownership over their bodies and skills, it can help to think about the praise we are giving. 

Image from Canva, by View more by Africa images

Every young person is different, and what feels supportive for one might not work for another. The following ideas offer a range of approaches so you can find what best fits your young person’s personality, communication style and individual needs.

Rethinking Praise: Practical Strategies

1. Language Swaps: From Praise to Process-Focused Feedback

These shifts in wording help highlight effort, body awareness, and autonomy instead of external approval.

• Swap “Good job!” for:
  • “You noticed your body needed the toilet—well done listening to yourself.”
  • “You remembered to sit down when you felt the urge. That’s great awareness.”
• Swap “I’m so proud of you” for:
  • “How do you feel about how that went?”
  • “What are you proud of yourself for today?”
• Use neutral observations: Just facts – no judgement or praise layered on
  • “You went to the toilet when you needed to.”
  • “You flushed the toilet and washed your hands.”

2. Encouraging Self-Reflection and Internal Pride

These strategies build a habit of self-evaluation, helping young people recognise their own progress and feelings.

• Ask open-ended questions:
  • “What helped you remember to go just now?”
  • “What do you think worked well that time?”
• Prompt self-recognition:
  • “What are you most proud of yourself for today?”
• Model self-talk:
  • “I remembered to drink water so my body stays comfortable.”

3. Focusing on Effort and Problem-Solving

These approaches show that trying, learning, and adjusting are just as important as getting it ‘right.’

• Acknowledge the process, not just success:
  • “I saw you tried sitting on the toilet even though it felt tricky today. You’re figuring out what works for your body.”
• Celebrate persistence:
  • “You tried a new way to sit to feel steady—great thinking.”
  • “I see how hard you’re trying to use the toilet.”

4. Linking Actions to Natural Consequences

This helps young people see the real-world benefits of toileting, rather than seeking adult approval.

• Use functional feedback:
  • “You went to the toilet, so now your body feels comfortable and ready to play again.”
• Celebrate progress through experience:
  • “Your dry clothes help you stay comfy, and that makes everything more fun!”

5. Encouraging Autonomy and Ownership

Giving young people some control fosters a sense of competence and confidence.

• Offer choices:
  • “Do you want to use the upstairs toilet or the downstairs one?”
  • “Would you like me to stay with you or wait outside?”
  • “Would you like to set a timer reminder for when you want to consider using the toilet next?”
• Involve them in their own routines:
  • “Let’s make a checklist together—what do you want to remember when you go to the toilet?”

6. Creating Shared Celebration (Without Rewards)

If you want to mark progress, focus on social connection rather than external rewards.

• Shared reflection moments:
  • “That was a big step for you today—should we tell your teddy together?”
• Storytelling and shared pride:
  • “I wonder if you’ll want to tell Grandma later about how you figured out sitting comfortably today.”

Thank you for learning about the community,

Laura Hellfeld

RN, MSN, PHN, CNL

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Reference

Henderlong, J., & Lepper, M. R. (2002). The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin, 128(5), 774–795. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.128.5.774