Demanding Respect from PDAers in the School Setting: Why Hierarchy Backfires & What Builds True Connection Instead

A free, quick-reference to this blog is available for download just before the references and signposting section.

While this blog explores supporting PDAers, the foundation ideas apply to all students.

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It’s a phrase many of us have heard, or even said in the school setting:

• “They need to learn to respect adults.”
• “They have to follow instructions, it’s about respect.”

But when it comes to supporting a PDAer, these traditional ideas around respect and authority often backfire.

• Not because the student doesn’t care, and not because they lack boundaries or discipline, but because what we’re asking for isn’t respect…it’s compliance.
• And not because the young person is defiant, rude or lacking in values, but because our traditional approach to ‘respect’ may be rooted in power and control, not connection.

PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy

Image from Canva by JasonDoiy from Getty Images Signature

You may also be interested in my blogs on PDA such as ‘Getting to Know More About PDAers: The Less Discussed Characteristics‘,‘PDAers and Compliance: Understanding the Real Challenge‘ and ‘PDA Signposting: A Growing List‘

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What’s Actually Going on?

PDA is characterised by: as defined by PDA North America, PDA Society, The Nurture Programme and The PDA Space

• An intense need for autonomy
• High anxiety around demands, especially when imposed by others
• A nervous system that may interpret even small requests as threats to safety

In schools, we often operate within a hierarchy: adults lead, children follow. Authority is often assumed and compliance expected because of their position as a teacher or teacher assistant. But for PDA learners, that very structure can activate the stress response system.

When a PDAer is met with a demand they can’t control like “show some respect” or “you must follow the rules”, it doesn’t feel like guidance. Their nervous system interprets these demands as a loss of autonomy. Their body responds with fight, flight, freeze or secondary stress responses like or fawn or fib.

So when a teacher says:

• “Show me some respect.”
• “Do it because I said so.”
• “Because I’m the teacher and you’re the student.”
• “You need to learn your place.”
• “There’s no negotiating this.”
• “Stop arguing and just do it.”
• “It’s not up for discussion.”

What the PDA student may feel is:

This is not rudeness. It’s not manipulation. It’s a stress response to perceived loss of control.

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Respect in School Isn’t One-Way

In school environments, respect is often set up as a one-way street:
Adults expect it, and students are expected to give it immediately, without question.

But PDA learners don’t respond well to this dynamic. It’s not about choosing to disobey, it’s about needing to maintain a sense of agency in order to feel safe.

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What should we do instead?

1. Shift from Hierarchy to Relationship

Rather than leading with your title or authority, lead with connection. That doesn’t mean losing boundaries, but it means making space for mutual respect, co-regulation, collaboration and using curiosity in interactions.

In schools, this might look like:

• A gentle conversation instead of a reprimand
• Asking, “What’s going on for you today?” before jumping to consequences or “What would help this feel okay for you?”

Respect is a two-way street. When we model it, we invite it in return.

2. Use Collaborative Approaches

More Collaborative Approaches can lower demand and support autonomy:

• Offer a choice between two options
  • “I have your supplies ready to go for on the table or bean bag.”
• Use language that models shared experience
  • “I’m going to start tidying up. You can join when you’re ready.”
• Create a sense of working alongside
  • “Let’s see how far we can get with this together.”
  • “I’ll do this bit, and you can do the next if you want.”
• Suggest a co-regulated rhythm
  • “We can take a break halfway if that helps.”
  • “Let’s do this part now, and save the rest for later.”
• Use indirect or declarative language 
  • “I wonder if it might feel easier to try it with headphones on.”
  • “Some people find it helps to walk around while they think, might be worth a go.”

To learn more about declarative language, I would suggest checking out Linda Murphy’s book ‘Declarative Language Handbook’

These approaches reduce pressure while maintaining direction, creating an atmosphere of shared control rather than top-down demands. In addition, give them real choices.

3. Redefine Respect

Respect might not look like eye contact, saying “please” in the moment or speaking in a calm tone during distress.

It might look like:

• Coming back to class the next day
• Coming back to class after dysregulation
• Writing a note when they couldn’t speak
• Reaching out with a drawing, message or gesture
• Sharing a piece of their passionate interest with you

Celebrate these forms of communication. They are respectful, just not always in ways we were expecting. And these moments show trust, a foundation of true respect.

4. Regulation First, Learning Later

Respectful conversations can’t happen during a meltdown or panic state. Behaviour isn’t the first thing to fix, it’s the signal. Help them feel safe, understood and in control again. Then growth can happen.

• Model calm tone of voice and body language
• Offer a quiet space or a trusted adult
• Come back to reflect once they’re regulated

Focus on repair rather than punishment (Raelene Dundon, 2021)

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Final Thoughts

In a school setting, it’s easy to fall back on structure, systems and hierarchy. But PDA learners don’t thrive in those spaces unless they feel safe, respected, and in control.

Demanding respect from PDAers doesn’t work because what we’re really demanding is obedience within a hierarchy and that feels unsafe.

And PDA students aren’t “testing boundaries.” They’re often testing for safety.

They’re asking:

Let’s shift to:

• Mutual respect
• Human connection
• Collaborative boundaries
• Real choices
• Relationship over role

When we stop demanding respect and instead build connection, we create the kind of environment where PDAers can feel safe, trust adults and re-engage on their own terms.

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A free, quick-reference to this blog is available here for download.

Thank you for learning about the community,

Laura Hellfeld

RN, MSN, PHN, CNL

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References and Resources

• Getting to Know More About PDAers: The Less Discussed Characteristics, Blog
• PDA Signposting: A Growing List, Blog
• Distress Language: How to Tune into What Your Child Can’t Say, Blog
• How to Get them to Eat: Rethinking Some Traditional Parenting Strategies, Blog
• Why We Need Low Pressure Food Opportunities, Blog
• The Nurture Programme
• The PDA Space
• PDA North America
• PDA Society
• Clare Truman’s The Teacher’s Introduction to Pathological Demand Avoidance: Essential Strategies for the Classroom
• Lina Murphy’s Declarative Language Handbook
• Raelene Dundon’s PDA in the Therapy Room: A Clinician’s Guide to Working with Children with Pathological Demand Avoidance