I recently spent time with a group of older primary and early secondary-aged young people and their parents. We were gathering to talk about self-care tasks in the home setting but we found the conversation continued to shift to their school experiences. It was clear that these were young people have been finding school hard, like really hard. It felt important to hear what they had to say and permission was given to share some of that conversation below.
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy
Image from Canva by WOKANDAPIX from pixabay
You may also be interested in my blogs on PDA such as ‘Demanding Respect from PDAers in the School Setting: Why Hierarchy Backfires & What Builds True Connection Instead‘,‘Getting to Know More About PDAers: The Less Discussed Characteristics‘,‘PDAers and Compliance: Understanding the Real Challenge‘ and ‘PDA Signposting: A Growing List’
“Who decided this?”
This came up more than once. It wasn’t just about decisions in general, it was about decisions made for them, not with them. One young person asked this in response to a support that clearly wasn’t working for them. They were confused, frustrated, and excluded from the process that was supposed to help them.
“Why didn’t they ask me?”
This was a quieter comment, almost whispered. There was hurt behind it. This young person wasn’t rejecting support outright, they were asking to be included in how support looks for them. It was a rational question that also reflected wanting to be involved in the decision making that directly impacted them.
“I need time to think. They rush me and then I can’t say what I was going to say.”
Communication takes time. Processing takes time. We might be unintentionally closing down connection during busy days.
“I don’t always know what’s going on.”
When adults make plans, changes, or even introduce supports without explanation or collaboration, it can feel like chaos. These young people are already working incredibly hard just to keep going in school each day. Feeling uninformed only adds to that load.
“I wanted to know why.”
This was a good reminder that curiosity and a desire to understand are not acts of defiance. They’re efforts to connect and make sense of expectations. But for some of these kids, asking “why” has been treated as challenging authority rather than seeking clarity or consent.
There was a clear overall pattern: disconnection.
These conversations were a reminder that when we talk about support or daily school life, we must start by listening to the young people at the heart of it. Their questions expressed frustration but are also invitations for us adults to rethink how decisions are made. We can ask our own questions like, “What do you think?” or “How does this feel for you?” in order to shift towards collaborating together.
Thank you for reading,
Laura Hellfeld
RN, MSN, PHN, CNL
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Disclaimer: The information shared in this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a licensed healthcare provider for personalised support and care tailored to your specific needs.
Signposting and Resources
- Creating Safe Spaces for Autistic People
- Gabby’s Glimmers: An Affirming Story of an Autistic Child and their Favourite Food
- Demanding Respect from PDAers in the School Setting: Why Hierarchy Backfires & What Builds True Connection Instead, Blog
- PDAers and Compliance: Understanding the Real Challenge, Blog
- Getting to Know More About PDAers: The Less Discussed Characteristics, Blog
- PDA Signposting: A Growing List, Blog
- Distress Language: How to Tune into What Your Child Can’t Say, Blog
- The Nurture Programme
- The PDA Space
- PDA North America
- PDA Society
Last modified: 22 July 2025